


i can feel my name on your breath a million miles away

by kwritten



Series: Femlash February 2016 [4]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Everyone's a girl, F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:13:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5945082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwritten/pseuds/kwritten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>everyone's a girl, for the prompt: <i>After the insects have made their claim / After the foxes have known our taste / After the raven has had his say / I'll be home with you</i></p>
<p>Sometimes, Blue thought maybe they all had a little bit inside of them that didn’t fit. Their contradictions adding up to things that they have stolen from each other; Rowena’s beautiful voice and Addie’s long fingers and the freckles across Blue’s shoulders and Gansey’s long eyelashes and the way Nova’s hair curled around her face. Individually making up nothing in particular, but when put together such a clear sign of something that intangibly couldn't make sense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can feel my name on your breath a million miles away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [growlery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/growlery/gifts), [clytemnestras](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clytemnestras/gifts).



In the darkness, her cellphone lit up, the bluish light illuminating only the sharpest edges of things. At night, everything seemed sharper than it had any right to be. She considered not answering, one eye staring out into the shadows and the other pressed shut against her pillow, she considered ignoring it for half a heartbeat. 

It felt like a betrayal. 

The pillow against one ear, the phone against the other, both eyes shut, her knees curled up to her chest. Sometimes, she made herself as small as possible, hiding from something she didn’t want to admit to herself. Sometimes, her fingers and toes stretched as far away from her as they could, as if her body could rip itself in half to make her bigger, to compensate for all that she was. 

Silence, was more difficult than all the words in the universe rolling around and competing for sound in her mind. 

“Jane? Did I wake you?” Gansey’s voice was husky and low, as if she was trying to be quiet and still, but the words came out anyway. 

Blue understood that instinct like her bones understand weight and her blood understands moving. 

“No.”

Which doesn’t mean _I was waiting for your call_ , or _I can’t sleep without the sound of your voice fresh in my mind_ , or _why aren’t you curled up beside me_ , but it could, and that’s what matters in the dark, when all her edges are softer than they are in the daylight. 

She’s sharp as a blade in the harsh light of the sun, the moon brings out all her curves. She is always at odds with the world, it’s just the way she was made. 

Gansey takes a deep breath and lets it out, slow and even. With eyes closed, Blue can see her, sprawled across her bed in Monmouth Manufacturing, long dark hair dangling off the edge of the mattress, thin white t-shirt glowing in the half-light, bare legs kicking at shadows. Richelle Gansey had the unfortunate habit of looking beautiful at all times, the perfect princess. 

Blue has never wanted to be the princess. Or the dragon, if you’re wondering about that, too. She’d rather write her own kind of story. One without knights and damsels. One that understands her sharp edges in the sunlight and her soft curves under the moon. In this kind of story, she didn’t expect to fall in love with a princess, either. 

Good thing the only thing Gansey wants to be is a King. 

Maybe they’ll rewrite all the old stories together and call it something that isn’t magic. 

Behind her closed eyes, Blue could see Gansey, lying in just a t-shirt and practical cotton panties, hair dangling over the side of the bed, feet flat against the mattress and her skinny knees swaying in the air, Rowena snoring lightly behind a closed door, dreaming about mad-dangerous-wild-beautiful things. 

“Jane?”

“Dick?”

Gansey laughed, soft and low. The sound made something deep in Blue’s stomach feel lighter. Like she could float right up to the moon. 

“Addie called earlier.”

They try not to talk about Addie at night. Addie is their secret they only expose in the light, too fragile for the shadows that lurk around every corner. 

Blue opted not to respond. She opened her eyes and found the shadow of the lamp on her bedside table, tracing its fragile lines. 

“She can get off work early tomorrow, so we can…” 

Gansey’s voice trailed off. Their adventure, their quest, the reason for all of this and none of this. What brought them together, what they never say keeps them together. 

It’s a thing for the sun.

In any other story, it would only be spoken of in whispers when shadows are the longest, but that’s what they all hate most about everyone else’s version of this story. 

“The practicalities of war,” Blue responded, without context. 

They forge different kinds of swords, soft things that tug at hearts and wound in ways no one will ever see. 

What is adventure without war? What is life without adventure? (They never mention that neither comes without sacrifice. They’re all holding on to each other the best they can, pretending an end isn’t inevitable.)

Something crashed in Monmouth and Blue smiled, the movement of her cheek shifting the phone in her hand slightly. There’s the sound of something shifting and then a new pattern of breathing on the other end, Gansey’s muffled voice in the background. 

“Hey asshole,” Blue never meant to spit when she spoke, but sometimes it just feels easier. 

“Bitch,” Rowena responded, a dangerous kind of affection filling out her special soprano. 

A girl like her shouldn’t have a voice like that, Blue thought. Those wiry muscles and strong jaw and full lips and shaved head should have a voice full weight and danger, something that could warn you from far away what a hazardous creature was coming your way. Sometimes, Blue thought maybe they all had a little bit inside of them that didn’t fit. Their contradictions adding up to things that they have stolen from each other; Rowena’s beautiful voice and Addie’s long fingers and the freckles across Blue’s shoulders and Gansey’s long eyelashes and the way Nova’s hair curled around her face. Individually making up nothing in particular, but when put together such a clear sign of something that intangibly couldn't make sense. 

Rowena’s affection always felt like a special brand of threat, _you aren’t ready for the weight of my love_ , it said. Blue could never tell if it was a threat to other people, or to the ones Rowena chose to love. She thought maybe they were all in a bit too deep to worry about that now. 

“You seen Nova?”

Once, in the back of the Pig, wrapped in Nova’s arms and pressed into the long line of Nova’s neck, Addie’s thin legs pressed against hers, Gansey at the wheel, when she thought everyone but Gansey was asleep, Blue had heard Rowena sing. It was a haunting thing, trained and perfect and evoking things Blue wished she’d never known but now couldn’t live without. The memory of that sound echoed in every word Rowena spit out at the world, trying so hard to get her soul to match her armor. 

Blue nodded and turned over, resting her head on Nova’s shoulder. “She’s here with me,” she said softly. “Sleeping.”

She paused. Nova grunted and pulled her arm out from beneath Blue to fling it over her head, forcing Blue to shift closer, press her face closer to the exposed skin above Nova’s baggy t-shirt. 

“Okay,” Rowena muttered. 

She didn’t say, _thank god_. She didn’t say, _I was worried I was worried I can feel her slipping away._ No one had to. They all felt it. Nova becoming less solid every day, drifting away from them, becoming more of a memory and less of a girl. 

A door in Monmouth Manufacturing slammed. 

“Jane?”

“I’m here.” Blue traced the line of Nova’s collarbone with the tip of her finger, the sound of Gansey’s breathing in her ear, the memory of Rowena’s voice dangling in the air around her, the thought of Addie’s soft heart lingering on her lips. 

So this was her story now. The five of them. All their legs and arms and broken parts and fragile hearts. 

“When this is over…” Gansey cleared her throat. 

She should pick up smoking, Blue thought, closing her eyes again, imagining Gansey putting a cigarette to her lips, taking a soft drag and exhaling slowly. Imagining long nights on the phone with just the sound of Gansey smoking coming through the hot scrap of metal pushed against her ear. There were so many things she wasn’t supposed to want, Blue had always thought she’d outrun them and they caught up with her anyhow. 

You can prepare for the apocalypse, but your life is going to change regardless. 

“When this is over,” Blue agreed. 

As if it were as simple as that.


End file.
